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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords