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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Do angry people know about naps?
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.