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Does this status update make me look fat?
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?