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Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.