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My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.