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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.