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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.