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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.