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The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers