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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues