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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.