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"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"