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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
My house has really let itself go.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...