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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.