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Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...