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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Iām sorry I offended you with my common sense.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.