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Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.