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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!