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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.