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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.