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With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..