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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.