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If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”