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Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.