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Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.