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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner