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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.