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Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Find someone you`re good at.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.