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First fart at my new job.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.