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I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic