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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.