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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.