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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I drink to make other people interesting.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.