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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.