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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.