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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver