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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.