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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
bras are booby-traps
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?