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Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.