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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
?-- that guy is cute ?
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
My misery likes tequila, not company.