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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...