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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
I drink because people talk.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
It’s not pretty being easy.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.