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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why Iām always so tired.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.