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only 9530 days until retirement.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.