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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.