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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..