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Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.