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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook