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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.