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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.