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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.