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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.