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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.