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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.