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They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.