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If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes