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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.