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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.