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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.