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My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.