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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.