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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.