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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.