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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...