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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I had your cake and ate it too.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."