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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.