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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....