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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.