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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.