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Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I wish common sense was more common.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??